One of my biggest fears in life is that I stay stagnant. I am not afraid to stay still, allowing myself to linger in a moment in order to fully relish it. Stagnancy, however, entails a lack in flow and motivation. Nothing is more terrifying than feeling unmotivated, stuck and empty. Over the last few years, reinventing myself took a whole different meaning. Growth was no longer about a linear progression that we were all supposed to follow in life. With growth came changes that circumvented what was once assumed as a perfect, linear path. It was only very recently that I realised that everyone tells you that growth is this amazing journey, and that you will find peace as you grow into the person that you were always meant to be. No one prepares you for the grief that comes with the things that break away, fall apart and stay behind as you become that someone you never thought you would become. Growth is challenging, just as stagnancy is terrifying, and as I embarked on a journey that I thought I already knew, I instead ventured into a path to the unknown, with challenges and changes that I could never have dreamt of.
I am not trying to scare anyone out of becoming a better version of themselves; however, the daunting truth is that your life will never be the same again. You may find that your heart feels lighter, your energies are higher and your circle has become more refined. You take a good look at where you are in your present, and think “Thank Goodness, I am here.” Just a few weeks ago, I woke up exactly like that. I could not help but feel engulfed by a sense of gratitude for how far I have come, as I woke up to another day in the life that I never imagined I would ever live. As the nostalgia filled my soul, however, starting off as a spark of a memory, I began to feel this pang in my chest.
As my present self emerged from the shells of my former, the shards of who I used to be began to dissipate. The cathartic, incredible journey of growth will guide you towards parts of yourself that you never knew existed, and will also leave behind pieces of yourself that you no longer need in your journey. I was almost bewildered by what I was feeling at the time. Growth was meant to be euphoric, and peaceful, and yet I felt… grief.
Losing my old self reminded me of how I felt when I was losing my baby teeth. I know that not many people are attached to their baby teeth, and I could just be strange, but I cried the day I lost my first baby tooth. I remember being told that things would be okay, as better things were coming along. In a few weeks, a new tooth began to peek through my gums. Even then, I still felt this strange, lingering feeling of unreality. That morning, when I woke up and went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few hours, I felt almost disconnected. Knowing what you have now, also means being painstakingly aware of the things you had left behind.
Friends, please know that experiencing grief in the midst of growth is perfectly normal. This does not make you ungrateful. It does not make you weak. In a society where positivity has been injected with prejudice, we need to remember that grief, just like growth, is a part of our lives. It is perfectly valid to mourn over the parts of yourself that you no longer identify with, because this person no longer exists.
That day, I spent a good amount of time mourning. As the nostalgia passed, and the heavy whiff of loss kicked in, I allowed myself to simply be, and to simply feel. You will never be exactly who you were. As alarming as that sounds, I want to remind you that even the person from yesterday does not fully resemble the person you are today reading this post. Allowing yourself to simply feel the grief, allows you to process and reflect. Once I came to terms with my feelings of loss for the person I was, the people I had once kept around me, the emotions I used to experience, or even the way I used to make my tea which has changed significantly, I began to fully understand how each piece of who I was still it into who I am now. At the same time, the pieces no longer resemble who I once was.
Allowing myself to fully mourn the loss of the person I used to be, not just that time, but anytime I needed to, has given me the opportunity to reflect on the things and people I truly want in my life. The greatest irony of it is, the grief within the growth that we experience further propels us towards the unique, exciting, unparalleled journey of neverending growth.
